psycho brain

As most of you know, I have a psycho brain. I've said it before and I'm sure I won't ever stop saying it. It's getting pretty bad and I know I NEED medication and therapy.

Today, I had asked Tyler if he had talked to one of his coworkers that had just recently found a different job. He told me a little and I(psycho brain) asked what did you talk about. He shrugged his shoulders and said stuff. So most of you with perfect un-psycho brains would have probably just said okay and went on with life. Well life in a psycho brain is different, hard and messy. I then proceeded to nag and ask what they talked about. He got upset and said why do you always need to know who I'm talking to and what we are talking about. So I decided I would be honest and tell him exactly why I do that. I told him I do NOT trust him nor will I ever(maybe in the distant future.)He said what have I done that makes you not trust me, which is a legit question. I told him it has nothing to do with him. This is how I feel(are you ready?)I will not trust you because I know that there are other girls(better, more perfect girls) out there that you could be talking to or leave me for, etc. So I NEED to know who, what, when, why and how every time, every min of every. single. day. Therefore I check your phone when you are sleeping. My stupid psycho brain tells me that I am not fit for someone to love me for me. I do NOT think I look okay, there is no way someone would want to be with me for the rest of my life. There is no one in this world that could possibly want to be stuck with this big giant mess FOREVER. Now I thought being honest with him would help, but that's not the case. He kept telling me how much he loves me and that he likes the way I look. But I have no clue as to why he would think that. I am not pretty(at ALL) I am a crazy person who looks through their husbands phone, even though he has been faithful the WHOLE time. Why should he want this in his life forever? He's obviously only here because we have a kid together. Now I know you are going to say you need therapy or pills and I KNOW that for a FACT! What I'm just wondering is why? Why do I have a psycho brain. Why does Tyler get a perfect brain. I want a perfect brain, not this brain. I NEED a different body. I have negative self-esteem. I cannot keep living like this and I might just cut again. It's getting worse and I know it. I will call and get into therapy. I just wanted those of you with a perfect brain to know..