Self Esteem

Day Forty One


I have no self esteem. None, zilch, zip, nada. Today proved that point to the T. While we were driving home from Salt Lake, Tyler started talking about his boss, and how he wants to hire cute girls to make his wife jealous(unprofessional, I know. And long story why he wants to.) Then he was telling me about how one of his old coworkers(a girl) everyone went gaga over, even married men. So I freaked out. I told him how unprofessional that was, then got to thinking(which ALWAYS ends badly). I said if Spencer hires any cute girls you'll probably cheat on me with her(yes I know how mean that is to say now that I am actually hearing it)He said he wouldn't do that, but I insisted that he would, heck, he could if he wanted to because how was I supposed to know. He can do anything at work and I wouldn't know. I was so mad that there are guys in this world that do that. Why can't one marriage work without someone cheating or whatever. I yelled at him for about half an hour, about how he's not going to always like me and he'll most likely cheat on me, and that there are so many other pretty girls out there. Obviously he said otherwise.

We were fine for about an hour and then the subject of skinny girls with big breasts got brought up(by me) and I told him that he'd like a skinny girl with big boobs because every guy does. And of course I am NOT that girl.

I honestly do NOT believe that he wants me or will want me forever. I am not in any way, what I think, what someone would want.

He yelled at me, told me that I just made him feel like crap, that he is NOT every guy and that he DOESN'T like those girls, just me. He made it very clear how I made him feel, and I felt HORRIBLE.

I sat and thought for about an hour. I HATE how I am. I do NOT trust him, but it has nothing to do with him. I am SO self conscious that I don't think he really wants to be with me or that he will really stay with me, or what he's doing at work. I don't know how one person can be like this. I am constantly thinking how horrible I am or that he won't want, or looking at other girls and comparing myself. I don't know why he hasn't left me yet. I am so annoying. I can't stand me. I don't know what to do. I don't think I will ever be good enough(whatever it is)

I just wish I could trust him, and not think that since other guys are doing it he will. I just want to sit in bed and cry. I can't even explain how much I hate myself now and anytime I do something.

I want to be different, I don't want to be me.