Anxiety/Fear

Day Forty


So we all know that I'm a little weird, right? When night rolls around I get REALLY weird. I don't even know how to start.

Okay, I've seen a lot of scary movies in my life, and yes I do get freaked out by them, but I KNOW they aren't real.

But when I get into darkness, for some reason, I get really freaked out.

I usually get into bed and have a mini panic attack(shaky, can't breath) while some sort of crazy picture is in my head that someone/something is going to get me. I have to walk backwards into rooms while I'm turning off the lights, or run full speed to my destination. Then leap into bed before said "monsters" grab my feet from underneath the bed, pull the covers over my head, and don't open my eyes until morning.

Two nights ago I did my normal walk backwards, have a panic attack, leap into bed, and pull covers over my eyes. But I got this thought I guess, that kept telling me Kash is dead, he's lying on the floor dead, he's dead, you won't have him anymore, go check on him. So normal human beings can go down the stairs and check on your child, Shannon, however, can't. I kept thinking to myself "I'll have to turn on the bedroom, hallway, kitchen, hallway, then his light, just to get to him. Check on him, then I wouldn't be able to get back without booking it and leaving the lights on" (it's too far for me to just walk backwards). This went on for about two minutes. I woke Tyler up and asked if he checked on Kash and made sure he was still alive, he said "yeah". That eased my mind a little, so I told myself(about 40 times) he's just sleeping, he's just sleeping, until I fell asleep.


So I thought I would share my experiences with Tyler, bad idea. I told last night.

He listened, then said a few things, including "stop being a sissy" and "you know nothing will get you" and "so will you go get Kash if he screams in the middle of the night"

Yes I know its not real, but I am SO overwhelmed and scared, Yes, obviously I will go get my screaming baby. But thanks for making feel horrible, goodnight.

Am I the only one out there like this?