Been thinking

I don't even know what day its supposed to be(and slightly don't care right now)



I have been taking Cymbalta and things have been going really good. I ran out of pills almost a week ago. I have been trying to get everything with vocational rehab set up so they can pay for them, but its been a hassle and its making me mad, so I still have no pills.

It's so weird, before I started my pills, I would only be set off by certain things and I knew what those certain things were and it didn't usually last long. Then I started my pills and I feel good. Level, I guess. Then I run out and its like my whole world is crashing down on me, but why? I am SO emotional.

Kash is with Tyler's parents for the week and that has left a lot of alone time for me, and being without pills, isn't good. Today I woke up and things were good. I didn't really want to get up because I knew I would be bored. I got up, ate breakfast and decided I am going to start a low-calorie diet and exercise more. I then played a video game with Angela, I was fine. I starting cleaning. I exercised and then I got on the computer. That's when things went down hill. I don't even know where it started, but I started watching cheer leading videos and I started thinking about school. I wish I could have been a cheer leader or a dancer, but my depression has held me back SO much. Then I started thinking about how much I missed in high school and that I wish I could go back. I HATE that I quit school. I HATE that I missed prom, my friends, life. I would have done so much more if I didn't have depression or anxiety. I wonder why I decided to grow up so fast? Why I didn't experience life? Why does Shannon have to deal with this. Why can't Shannon not be restricted by stupid depression and anxiety. Then I start comparing myself to my old school mates. Some of them are still in contact with each other and look like they have so much fun and I get SO jealous. I only have one true friend. I'm not looking to have tons, but why does only one person like me? Then I start comparing myself to others girls that are prettier, skinnier, have nicer hair, etc.

I don't understand why I can get so upset. I'm sitting here bawling, wishing things were different, wishing I were different. I don't think its fair. I don't have the worst thing in the world to deal with, but its SO hard and I'm so over it. I would give anything for a "normal" brain. And now the only way for me to be happy and okay, is to be on pills and I have the HARDEST time accepting that. I hate being asked if I took my pills because I seem angry or down. I can't just be happy. Now I'm done. I just want to listen to music and cry.