Day Forty Four
I have been noticing recently how much worse I have gotten. I obsess about certain things crazily, My brain can bring things to the surface at any given time for no reason and my mood switches gears in the snap of a finger, and I'm not so sure my pills are helping me to the full extent. My obsessions are usually about what Tyler is doing. For instance, I'm always obsessing about what he does on his phone, what he is deleting off his phone so that I don't know, I even have obsessions about what he does in the shower in the morning, and yes I do mean that. I want to understand why I am so obsessed with things that aren't happening in the first place, and why is it so bad now?
I can be perfectly fine and just hanging out, playing on the computer, then I see something and suddenly I'm thinking about a million different things, they are mostly about Tyler, my mood changes and now I'm completely upset. It can be the silliest thing and have nothing to do with Tyler and I's relationship, but all of a sudden I'm thrown in this vicious cycle of what Tyler is doing, or he is doing that, etc. I don't understand what is up with my brain and why it does this to me. I'm constantly picking on Tyler, getting angry with him for things that other guys do. It's going to break us up, even though I'm constantly telling him to get out now.
I seriously have no words to tell you how much I hate myself. I'm trying to get into therapy again with a different therapist, and I'm going to talk to my doctor about different pills. I just don't understand why it's like this now. Seriously. I'm so upset.
And that's it.
I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. Mental stuff sucks SO bad! I know!! I hope you can hang in there until you find a new therapist..and hopefully different pills will helpl. I think a good medication is key, at least it was for me with my stuff.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you're struggling. I don't know much about what you're dealing with but I have been told that going off medication can make the "crashes" worse than before. I think you are headed in the right direction and taking the steps you need to take to correct the problems. We love you and want you to be happy :D
ReplyDeleteI know it's exhausting. I've been there over and over again. I'm so sorry you're going through the brain crap. I hate it too. It just takes one little thing and you're in the "spiral."
ReplyDeleteI can tell you one thing, it does get better. Treatment does help. I'm not saying that all
of my days are great ones with my anxiety/OCD, quite the contrary...sometimes I have some really sucky days, but I have good ones too.
You're headed in the right direction and on the right path. You are a strong woman and a fighter. You are doing what you need to do. You are enough. :) Hang in there.
Alesha