Thinking, letting you know.

I've started filling out an application for vocational rehabilitation. Which will help me get my GED and a career. Some of the things it asks are bringing back memories. Some good, some bad. When I was 13 I started counseling for the first time. And I'm pretty sure I had a screaming fit when my dad told me I was going. But it was great. My therapist was Mindy. She was so nice. The first thing she said when I got the was "hey chica!" Always. Without a doubt. I felt like I could really tell her anything because she wouldn't and couldn't tell anyone. I still remember to this day what triggered my depression and self worth, it was 8th grade mrs tingeys class. There was a project due and she said my name and asked if I had finished, and some stupid kid that I barely knew said " Shannon never finishes her stuff." Infront of everyone. I was humiliated and upset. I still think about it. And it still hurts. But things with Mindy were good. I seemed happier, I was happier. Then she told me the bad news. She was moving, too far for me to follow. I felt horrible. Sad, mad, hurt, really sad. I couldn't believe my best friend(in a way) was leaving me. I cried for days, maybe weeks. I forgot everything I learned and fell back in. 9th grade, seminary. It was another day u can't let go, we were told to stand infront of the class and say something(that I'm not sure of anymore) and I got it wrong and some of the stupid kids laughed, and I cried. Scribbled on my paper that I hated seminary and I hated those kids. I started cutting seminary. It was pointless to me at the time. Especially with those kids. In feb of 06' right after my birthday, I decided I was done with high school. I fought for days, weeks, months. I slept in and stayed up late crying and cutting and wanting to die. I just couldn't handle the people or teachers or so called friends anymore. High school kids were mean. High school teachers were mean. I can't get up infront of the class, don't make me do it. I didn't want to be with people that put me down or made me feel like that. No one knew what I did at home or how hard I cried. How badly I wanted to be different. I wanted to finish school, I just couldn't at that school at that pace with those people. I was happy on the outside, when I spent time with Angela or Tyler gowan. But I was a trouble maker and I talked back and argued with my parents. I hated that I had to go through this. I didn't understand. Trendon was my boyfriend at the time and he wasn't a very good one. We broke up, faught and went out over and over. One day we got in a fit and he told me to get on my pills so that I'm not crazy. I take things very personal. I'm verrrry sensitive. On Thursday, the week after I got married I had one of the worst nights of my life, and to this day I am not sure why. Me and Tyler were staying at a friends house, playing games and acting young again. We had been doingthe same thing for two days and I had grown tired of it. But Tyler was still playing. I eventually got mad and went outside. I was outside for at least a half an hour before he text me. He came out and we yelled and talked and seemed to solve my "I want to do something different" dilema. The next night, we were still there. I wasn't feeling myself and didn't eat. We went to smiths marketplace and got some food. But when we got back, we did the exact same thing AGAIN. I was mad that Tyler just went along and didn't say something different. I was mad that I couldn't stand up for myself. So I threw a fit. And just sat there, alone on the couch, staring at my phone, not talking to anyone. Tyler tried to talk to me but I would just shrug my shoulders or nod my head. He finally suggested we watch a movie, so we did. He came and sat by me but I didn't cuddle or talk or even touch him. It was about 2 when we started getting ready for bed and Tyler tried to talk to me. I didn't give him anything. We faught and faught and said mean things. I finally told him to give me the keys to the car. I was done. He said no. Over and over. After about ten minutes, he went outside and sat there. Telling me he was leaving or vice versa. Neither of us would let each other have the keys. Finally I broke down. I started bawling. I wasn't absolutely sure why. I cried and told him I wanted to go and see kash. I missed kash. I couldn't take it anymore and that's when I walked out into the street at about two-two thirty in the morning. I didn't really want to get hit, it was more of an attention thing. I wanted to feel wanted from Tyler, I guess. He grabbed me and I couldn't stop crying. I was so upset over something I can't figure out. He got me to calm down and we went inside, back to bed. Where did this come from? I have never ever felt like that. I've felt like I wanted to die. But never been so hysterical to walk into a street. I felt horrible. I never want to feel like that again. I don't know why it happened. I'm very grateful that Tyler saved me. He does love me. Maybe it was to prove it to myself. I'm not sure. Anyway today I am feeling more depressed and I don't want it to get out of control. I'm looking into seeing a therapist. For a few things actually. But mostly my depression and anxiety. I am so blessed to have my parents, grandma miller, jenn, Melisa, and everyone else who has helped me stay alive. They are the best things in my life. I just wish that was enough, ya know? I can't do it alone, but I have to try alone. I love you all.