Day Fifty
Tomorrow I am calling my personal doctor, my obgyn and a psychiatrist. I'm going to get a few things straightened out and a few things set up. I need to talk to a psychiatrist to find a pill or pills that will work. I've been feeling okay this past week. I got upset about a few things yesterday and Tyler talked to me and is trying to work with me. I am very grateful that I have him. Sometimes I feel like a giant burden and that he is more likely to leave because he doesnt really have to stay like my mom or something. He's been really good to me though.
Tonight my family went to a park and played some hot lava tag and bocci ball. Its so nice to hang out and get some exercise too, we need to do that more often.
I just thought I would do a little update.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
behind
Day Forty Nine
I'm behind in my blogging. I really need to get back in the swing of things. I love blogging, letting my feelings out. But for some reason I lack the motivation. Most of you know, we moved back to my parents house. We got in a bad financial situation and needed to come back to sort things out and pretty much "start over". We are paying off debt and saving for a house. I feel good about our choice, its hard not being on our own but its nice being close to family and saving money.
Things are going good. Kash is getting bigger and smarter by the day. He's always saying cute things that catch us off hard and make us laugh. Today he did his hair then told me "he's a cool guy". Tyler says he needs to be on the show kids say the darndest things. I can't believe he will be three in two months! He is getting so big and I am getting baby hungry! Tyler and I talked about it and for our situation, we will be waiting. I'm kind of sad about our decision, but I know it will be the best for our family. I need to finish school, we'd like to be in a house, and in a stable financial situation. I really want another baby, sometimes I feel like we will never get back on track to get a house.
Hopefully Tyler can finish high school and go to college for a career. I can start my business and we will become more stable. Lately I've been trying to find a psychologist to get back on a medication that is right for me and hopefully start therapy again. I have been feeling okay most days, but things with my brain are still bothering me and I need to learn how to deal with it. Plus my self esteem hasn't been the best lately and its been causing tension with Tyler. I really want to lose weight easily, preferably lipo suction. But I'm dreaming, so I get upset about it. And it turns into a downhill spiral.
Anyway, things are going. Just thought I'd update.
eight easily, preferably lip suction
I'm behind in my blogging. I really need to get back in the swing of things. I love blogging, letting my feelings out. But for some reason I lack the motivation. Most of you know, we moved back to my parents house. We got in a bad financial situation and needed to come back to sort things out and pretty much "start over". We are paying off debt and saving for a house. I feel good about our choice, its hard not being on our own but its nice being close to family and saving money.
Things are going good. Kash is getting bigger and smarter by the day. He's always saying cute things that catch us off hard and make us laugh. Today he did his hair then told me "he's a cool guy". Tyler says he needs to be on the show kids say the darndest things. I can't believe he will be three in two months! He is getting so big and I am getting baby hungry! Tyler and I talked about it and for our situation, we will be waiting. I'm kind of sad about our decision, but I know it will be the best for our family. I need to finish school, we'd like to be in a house, and in a stable financial situation. I really want another baby, sometimes I feel like we will never get back on track to get a house.
Hopefully Tyler can finish high school and go to college for a career. I can start my business and we will become more stable. Lately I've been trying to find a psychologist to get back on a medication that is right for me and hopefully start therapy again. I have been feeling okay most days, but things with my brain are still bothering me and I need to learn how to deal with it. Plus my self esteem hasn't been the best lately and its been causing tension with Tyler. I really want to lose weight easily, preferably lipo suction. But I'm dreaming, so I get upset about it. And it turns into a downhill spiral.
Anyway, things are going. Just thought I'd update.
eight easily, preferably lip suction
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Fun weekend
This weekend was community daze in east carbon. Tyler had to work on saturday so I took kash in the morning and he got to climb the rock wall with kyle. He loved it so much, it was so cute! I walked around with him for a bit then headed back home to wait for tyler to get off. He got home around two and we headed back over. We met up with his cousins and hung out for awhile, then decided to go home for a nap before the night festivities. At about nine we headed to the park for the dance. There were lots of people and we met up with ted and tina. It was fun to people watch, hang out and listen to music. We left around midnight, and the dance didn't end til two! We had a pretty good time. Kash just played at the playground the whole time and wore himself right out!
It was a pretty fun weekend and it was all free!
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Saturday, July 9, 2011
Feeling good
Day Forty Seven
Lately I have been feeling pretty good about myself. I like my hair, I like my face, I like my feet. I'm been trying really hard to say thank you to compliments instead of deflecting them. I've been pretty confident about how I look, depending on what I'm wearing. Sometimes I even find myself staring at myself in my side mirror while we are driving. I've also been heating my negative thoughts and trying to tell myself they are lies, I even told tylers boss that something he said to tyler upset me(it was something that brought on negative thoughts).
Things have been going good. I got my grooming stuff and have started on that. I have chunk a hair cut and didn't do too well. I was pretty upset about it until tyler made me realize he was my first and I was being too hard on myself. I guess I just felt like I was just supposed to be good because its what I want to do. But I realize now I need practice and I WILL get better.
Kash is doing really good, he is so cute. He had such good manners and says the cutest things. I love that I'm lucky enough to spend everyday with him and watch him grow up. Even if he can be naughty, I need to take a step back and just love him. He was so cute tonight playing wii bowling. He is a natural.
We are looking at buying our first home sometime in the near future, then I can start my business and grow as a person. I'm very excited and I get a little ahead of myself sometimes. But I'm taking it one step at a time and I'm going to practice a lot.
Things are looking up and I'm feeling good.
Lately I have been feeling pretty good about myself. I like my hair, I like my face, I like my feet. I'm been trying really hard to say thank you to compliments instead of deflecting them. I've been pretty confident about how I look, depending on what I'm wearing. Sometimes I even find myself staring at myself in my side mirror while we are driving. I've also been heating my negative thoughts and trying to tell myself they are lies, I even told tylers boss that something he said to tyler upset me(it was something that brought on negative thoughts).
Things have been going good. I got my grooming stuff and have started on that. I have chunk a hair cut and didn't do too well. I was pretty upset about it until tyler made me realize he was my first and I was being too hard on myself. I guess I just felt like I was just supposed to be good because its what I want to do. But I realize now I need practice and I WILL get better.
Kash is doing really good, he is so cute. He had such good manners and says the cutest things. I love that I'm lucky enough to spend everyday with him and watch him grow up. Even if he can be naughty, I need to take a step back and just love him. He was so cute tonight playing wii bowling. He is a natural.
We are looking at buying our first home sometime in the near future, then I can start my business and grow as a person. I'm very excited and I get a little ahead of myself sometimes. But I'm taking it one step at a time and I'm going to practice a lot.
Things are looking up and I'm feeling good.
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Thursday, June 23, 2011
Update on Life
Day Forty Six
Things are going pretty good around here. I recently just got my check for school, but since our credit union isn't down here we had to open an account and now I am waiting on our debit cards so I can order my stuff for grooming school. I can't wait any longer. I just want to be doing what I love and not feel like I am a waste of space.
I have started therapy, and have gone two times now. My therapist is great. He's so nice and tries to help and understand in any way he can. He actually talks more about my anxiety and it seems to be that I get anxious about things and then that puts me into depression. I didn't think of it that way. I've been trying to decide if I should switch pills or just up my dose. My therapist thinks I need to see a psychiatrist, so I've been trying to get a hold of my Voc rehab counselor but she hardly answers or returns my calls. Anyway.
Kash is doing really good, he gets bored so easily and I run out of things to do with him. I find if I lock him in his room he actually plays with his toys and reads his books, but why does he have to be forced in there? Lately he has been waking up in the middle of the night saying the monster scared him. But last night he slept in his bed the WHOLE night! We are wondering if there is something in his room that is actually scaring him or if he is having nightmares. Kash loves to help Tyler with anything ESPECIALLY if it involves tools. He's such a cute boy. He is so smart and says sentences SO well. He always surprises us with something he learned that we didn't even know he knew. He loves trucks and digging in the dirt outside. He is now going potty without help, unless its poop. He can be a pill when he wants to that's for sure. But I know its just when he gets bored or needs attention. He loves animals and it always telling me that he loves Roree and that she is cute. I can't believe he will be three this year. He also loves swimming, hes always telling me he wants to go play in the waves. He can count to ten all by himself and always sees S's everywhere. I love him so much.
Tyler and I are doing good. I can be difficult sometimes and I know it can be very frustrating for Tyler. Luckily my therapist is helping and even said Tyler can join me in some sessions.
We've been having some money issues only because we haven't been smart. But we are working on a new plan and hoping to get better. With no extra money coming in we feel very stuck, and we can't really do anything extra. Gas money has killed us the most. We weren't very smart when we decided to move to East Carbon. We will be moving back to price when our lease is up.
life seems to be good at the moment. Kyle is down for the summer and its been fun having him here.
Things are going pretty good around here. I recently just got my check for school, but since our credit union isn't down here we had to open an account and now I am waiting on our debit cards so I can order my stuff for grooming school. I can't wait any longer. I just want to be doing what I love and not feel like I am a waste of space.
I have started therapy, and have gone two times now. My therapist is great. He's so nice and tries to help and understand in any way he can. He actually talks more about my anxiety and it seems to be that I get anxious about things and then that puts me into depression. I didn't think of it that way. I've been trying to decide if I should switch pills or just up my dose. My therapist thinks I need to see a psychiatrist, so I've been trying to get a hold of my Voc rehab counselor but she hardly answers or returns my calls. Anyway.
Kash is doing really good, he gets bored so easily and I run out of things to do with him. I find if I lock him in his room he actually plays with his toys and reads his books, but why does he have to be forced in there? Lately he has been waking up in the middle of the night saying the monster scared him. But last night he slept in his bed the WHOLE night! We are wondering if there is something in his room that is actually scaring him or if he is having nightmares. Kash loves to help Tyler with anything ESPECIALLY if it involves tools. He's such a cute boy. He is so smart and says sentences SO well. He always surprises us with something he learned that we didn't even know he knew. He loves trucks and digging in the dirt outside. He is now going potty without help, unless its poop. He can be a pill when he wants to that's for sure. But I know its just when he gets bored or needs attention. He loves animals and it always telling me that he loves Roree and that she is cute. I can't believe he will be three this year. He also loves swimming, hes always telling me he wants to go play in the waves. He can count to ten all by himself and always sees S's everywhere. I love him so much.
Tyler and I are doing good. I can be difficult sometimes and I know it can be very frustrating for Tyler. Luckily my therapist is helping and even said Tyler can join me in some sessions.
We've been having some money issues only because we haven't been smart. But we are working on a new plan and hoping to get better. With no extra money coming in we feel very stuck, and we can't really do anything extra. Gas money has killed us the most. We weren't very smart when we decided to move to East Carbon. We will be moving back to price when our lease is up.
life seems to be good at the moment. Kyle is down for the summer and its been fun having him here.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Feelings
Day Forty Five
I don't know how much worse my self esteem can get. I'm so close to telling Tyler to just leave me. I have such a problem with other girls in the world, particularly ones I think are better looking than me. I'm constantly worrying that he's staring at them, thinking about them, etc. I couldn't tell you how many times a day that crosses my mind. I was talking to my best friend the other day and she said "what I dont get is, you know your faults, but you dont change them." Exactly. I know what I'm doing, but why dont I change? Because I'm the most negative person on the earth. I have no hope that I can change, I am constantly telling myself negative things about myself, and I never see it happening. Even with pills and therapy, I dont see things getting that much better. I mean how can those things change the way I feel about myself? If I dont like me, I dont believe anyone can.
I start therapy on friday. I ready hope it helps, or I might just give up.
I don't know how much worse my self esteem can get. I'm so close to telling Tyler to just leave me. I have such a problem with other girls in the world, particularly ones I think are better looking than me. I'm constantly worrying that he's staring at them, thinking about them, etc. I couldn't tell you how many times a day that crosses my mind. I was talking to my best friend the other day and she said "what I dont get is, you know your faults, but you dont change them." Exactly. I know what I'm doing, but why dont I change? Because I'm the most negative person on the earth. I have no hope that I can change, I am constantly telling myself negative things about myself, and I never see it happening. Even with pills and therapy, I dont see things getting that much better. I mean how can those things change the way I feel about myself? If I dont like me, I dont believe anyone can.
I start therapy on friday. I ready hope it helps, or I might just give up.
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Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Getting worse
Day Forty Four
I have been noticing recently how much worse I have gotten. I obsess about certain things crazily, My brain can bring things to the surface at any given time for no reason and my mood switches gears in the snap of a finger, and I'm not so sure my pills are helping me to the full extent. My obsessions are usually about what Tyler is doing. For instance, I'm always obsessing about what he does on his phone, what he is deleting off his phone so that I don't know, I even have obsessions about what he does in the shower in the morning, and yes I do mean that. I want to understand why I am so obsessed with things that aren't happening in the first place, and why is it so bad now?
I can be perfectly fine and just hanging out, playing on the computer, then I see something and suddenly I'm thinking about a million different things, they are mostly about Tyler, my mood changes and now I'm completely upset. It can be the silliest thing and have nothing to do with Tyler and I's relationship, but all of a sudden I'm thrown in this vicious cycle of what Tyler is doing, or he is doing that, etc. I don't understand what is up with my brain and why it does this to me. I'm constantly picking on Tyler, getting angry with him for things that other guys do. It's going to break us up, even though I'm constantly telling him to get out now.
I seriously have no words to tell you how much I hate myself. I'm trying to get into therapy again with a different therapist, and I'm going to talk to my doctor about different pills. I just don't understand why it's like this now. Seriously. I'm so upset.
And that's it.
I have been noticing recently how much worse I have gotten. I obsess about certain things crazily, My brain can bring things to the surface at any given time for no reason and my mood switches gears in the snap of a finger, and I'm not so sure my pills are helping me to the full extent. My obsessions are usually about what Tyler is doing. For instance, I'm always obsessing about what he does on his phone, what he is deleting off his phone so that I don't know, I even have obsessions about what he does in the shower in the morning, and yes I do mean that. I want to understand why I am so obsessed with things that aren't happening in the first place, and why is it so bad now?
I can be perfectly fine and just hanging out, playing on the computer, then I see something and suddenly I'm thinking about a million different things, they are mostly about Tyler, my mood changes and now I'm completely upset. It can be the silliest thing and have nothing to do with Tyler and I's relationship, but all of a sudden I'm thrown in this vicious cycle of what Tyler is doing, or he is doing that, etc. I don't understand what is up with my brain and why it does this to me. I'm constantly picking on Tyler, getting angry with him for things that other guys do. It's going to break us up, even though I'm constantly telling him to get out now.
I seriously have no words to tell you how much I hate myself. I'm trying to get into therapy again with a different therapist, and I'm going to talk to my doctor about different pills. I just don't understand why it's like this now. Seriously. I'm so upset.
And that's it.
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