School and Insecurities

Day Twenty Eight



Imagine this, you haven't gone to school in a week, you know exactly why too, but you can't bring yourself to do it, and all because of a pencil, yup, the little yellow lead stick you use to write. I knew I had to ask for a pencil, I have been dreading it for days. I went today, and finally asked for a pencil. So you think it ends there, do you? Think again. I have the worst math brain EVER. If I were to do math to save my life, I'd be long gone. As of right, I am doing financial literacy, I know the stuff, but when they ask me to calculate in. My. Head. No chance in anything. So you see no problem here? I have a teacher who is willing to help, of course. But how is she to help when she does not know I need said help? I can't possibly help her, I mean I like her person, she seems nice, but I can't overcome the fear of the other students hearing me talk, yes talk, like any word out of my mouth. I mean I already asked for a dang pencil for goodness sakes, what more do you want from me. I sit in class, pretending I know what I am doing, write a few things on my paper, punch in a few numbers on my computer, etc. All the while, my brain is crashing, coming down on me hard, I can't focus, I can't think, I swear I've read this question three times already, why can't I understand. I sat there. The whole time. From 4:30 till 6:00. Not a one thing done. I get up, got to leave, she asks "how many apples did you get?"(apples meaning assignments), chest throbs, faces flushes, putting the pencil back I say "one." Lied straight through my teeth. Straight to her not knowing face. I don't know how I am going to get through this, without asking for help, I need to try, need to push those words out of my mouth just like the lie. How is it easier for me to lie to her?


I came home, depressed as ever. Now I remember why I still haven't finished school, why school is such a hard, stressful, overwhelming, gut wrenching task. I come home so unbelievably sad. Angry. Frustrated. Embarrassed. Feeling so stupid, hating every inch of myself for not being able to ask for help. I can't even get help from family, all of my assignments are on the computer. I don't want to go back. I need to go back. Anxiety is not a guest I like in my house. He is unwanted. I wish I could ask, I wish I wouldn't have to build myself up for days, all for a pencil. That is just the way I(brain) am. I don't really know how much medication will help with me actually speaking to people. Hopefully at least a smidgen.


My heart was full last night. Tyler and I were watching "Dinner for Shmucks", and I had done something(which I cannot remember, but it was nice), he looked at me like he had just fallen in love with me all over again and said "I Love You" in that tone you know is real. It took me back, way back. I asked him at least ten times what I did, he finally replied with "you're just cute." Which he has NEVER said, its the cute you call you're kids when they do something that makes you love them that much more, when you never thought it was possible. I felt SO much love. I almost cried, happy tears. I cannot imagine being with a better person. He makes me so happy. I love him so much.


Which brings me to an annoyance. Why does society think that marriage is horrible, and cheating, divorce, etc is okay/cool? I am reading a book and it is constantly talking about how bad marriage is, and most of the "couples" are cheating on their significant other. I ABSOLUTELY hate it. One because I know that marriage is GREAT, and two because I have so many insecurities, it makes me think Tyler will leave me, cheat, get bored and leave, etc. I know there are a lot of examples of great marriages, but even in my family, there have been hard marriages that end in divorce. It scares me so bad. I know there are very good reasons to get divorced. But society shows marriage as too hard, or that you lose your "spark". I just wish I wouldn't think of it, ya know? I mean, Tyler loves ME. He wouldn't jump at the chance to leave me, right? There I go, afraid of the unknown again. Told you.


Today I am so happy that I know in my heart Tyler really loves me.