Day Twenty Seven
I woke up okay-ish, Tyler didn't have to work until 10am so I think that helped me, but as soon as he left, my mood switched gears. I get overwhelmed SO SO easily. The house is a mess, dishes are piling up, Kash isn't at his best behavior, Roree still hasn't learned going potty outside, and I am DREADING school. I become extremely irritable. I was NOT in the mood for ANYTHING. I just wanted to sleep. I did have any activities for Kash, nor did I even want to do any. I know all Kash wants is attention. I need to give him that attention. I want to give him that attention. I can't tell you how hard depression is unless you have or live/lived with someone who has it. Its thee worst thing. I cannot handle every day with Kash, but I HAVE to. I want to just curl up and sleep, but I can't. I don't even know why I was SO irritable today, and that makes things worse. Feeling fine, then BAM you're mad/sad/angry/irritable, etc. I feel so out of control, and I HATE it. I need control. I need my house to stay clean(or I might just throw away EVERYTHING), I need Kash to please, oh please listen to mama, I need to feel like my emotions don't run wild all the time. I KNOW that it's my brains chemical imbalance and I KNOW I need medication, but why now? Why is it so bad now? And why don't I get to know that its going to get bad.
I am SO afraid of the "unknown". That's what KILLS me. That is why I am ALWAYS asking who, what, where, when, why and how, of every. single. day. If I don't know every detail, my brain takes over and things get hectic. Especially with Tyler, hell for all I know he's not even going to work and he's out with some hot chick(I know that is NOT true, but my brain has told me things like that)
Eleven days until we go down to Tyler's parents, eleven days till we drop Kash off for a week and take Angela back with us(to help us move), eleven days till I get my insurance card and then I can finally be on track with medication. Eleven days seems long, considering I am about three feet away from the edge.
Today I am proud I forced myself to do some dishes and some cleaning.
Shannon, I'm proud of you. Just know these are definitely OCD/anxiety thoughts. I know you already know that but still. I hope the next 11 days go quickly. Just keep telling yourself it's a medical problem and it will be fixed. Know that you're not alone. All too often I have felt that same overwhelming feeling of not knowing where to begin with anything. If you tell yourself that you know it's not you it's the chemicals it might not take right away, but keep telling yourself that. You're doing well. You're on the right track. :-)
ReplyDeleteHang in there Shannon! I too know what you're feeling. I have suffered from depression and other mental issues and I can't wait for you to get on medication because I know it helps! If you ever want to talk to someone--I know you have a lot of support with your mom, aunts, cousins, etc, but I'm here too ok?
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