Another hard night.

Day two

Today was fine. I was fine. We were fine. What happened? In one of my last posts I said that I look through tyler's phone, right? Well tonight when he got home from work I needed to look through his phone. He was playing a video game, so I asked if I could see his phone. He then handed his phone to me. I looked through the normal stuff, texts. And I saw a picture sent to his dad this morning of him in the snow, the time was 8:26. He had to work at 8. So of course I jumped to conclusions. I asked so you were out in the snow at 8:26 huh? He said I left work too early and had some time to kill. So of course I got mad. I always freak out. My brain can't handle any of this. I freaked out on him asked him what he was doing, why he was there, why I didn't know, why he was alone. We got in a fight. He asked why I always look through his phone trying to find something he did wrong. I don't always do that. I was so mad I didn't know. I didn't get a picture. We fought for a few mins. Then the truth came out. I told him again. I always NEED to know who you are talking to, what you are talking about, when you are talking, what you are doing, who you are with, every minute of every. Single. Day. I then proceeded to let him know, if I do not know these things and I look through your phone and find something out from someone else, my brain proceeds to tell me that you are out doing crazy things with girls, people I don't know, etc. Please just try and answer my millions of questions(even if it's annoying), please let me go through your phone. Its annoying, yes, but not as annoying as my brain telling me that you are doing these things it tells me. When I look through your phone and find nothing, my brain stops. When you answer all of my annoying questions, my annoying brain leaves me alone. I know it's hard. But this is what I need to function. I do trust you. I know I do. But it makes my brain calm when I do these annoying things. He understood. I could see it in his eyes. I need him to help me. And I told him that. I need him to help me not get mad when he tells me things(sometimes he won't say things because he thinks I will get mad, so he hides them). I need your help to grow. I am so glad I could express that to him. I feel better. We just need to help each other be better. We both know that. It's just hard getting out of this habit we've formed.
I am so sick of myself. I hate everything I do. I NEED to be different. I cant stand the way I am. I just want to punish myself for making his life so hard. It's not fair to him. I wonder every day why is he still here? I would not want to be with me. I am so insecure. It's not a fun life. I really need to go see a therapist. I AM calling tomorrow.

Anyway, we are good now.

In other news, we are MOVING!! We are so happy about this. It's a 3 bedroom 1 1/2 bath, for 450. It's in east carbon, which is about 20 mins away. It will give us more room and me a sewing room! Yes! We will be moving the 18th of February. Hopefully kash, roree and Malibu adjust well.



Kash dressed himself.




Kash being cute.




Roree.




I love him. Even though I had to tell him he needs to call me something nice, he's never called me princess. That gave me butterflies. :)


Till next time.

Shan


-trying get this out