Every few days

Day Twenty


This post is going to sound repetitive. I really don't know if anyone reading this feels this way at all. I sit in the bath, staring at my horribly ugly body. I think about not eating, almost all of the time. Before I got pregnant, I hardly ate at all. My parents would often have to tell waiters that I need the kids portion. I hate that I have upped two sizes in pants and a size in shirts. I can't get over it. I've tried telling myself I look okay, I've even heard a lot of people telling me. But when will I FEEL pretty? When will I stop hating the way I look? I know I'm its not the worst it could be, but all I can think of is what I used to look like. I talk about changing my body all the time and it makes Tyler so frustrated. I don't even know how he likes me. Most of you have probably stopped reading by now. There are lots of girls that want to change their bodies that I think don't need to at all. I want a skinnier tummy, my love handles gone and my thighs/hips skinnier. I really don't want to be a toothpick, I just want to look pre pregnancy weight. But even then I didn't think I was pretty. Why do I hate myself so much? When this happens, my mood suffers. I want to just sit and cry. Or cut off my ugly fat. I know how it sounds, Ok? I know I sound crazy, because most of you think I look okay. I barely fit in to any of my jeans, they are all tight. My shirts are so stretched out. It irritates me SO bad! I'm always making it worse for myself too, I look at pictures of me before I got pregnant, I look at pictures of pretty girls. Why does it have to be like this? How I am supposed to like myself?

I'm really not in the mood now. I want to just stop eating.