Day Twenty Five
We got of to a rough start. Tyler and I got into a little bit of a "fight"(argument.) Last night I checked his phone, and he had deleted all of his messages(and my brain FREAKED) So this morning I asked him why he did. He reassured me that they were all old messages and that he hadn't talked to anyone. Of course I couldn't believe. I kept asking, prying, anything really. He got upset and told me that I am annoying and he's sick of this(all the normal things he says when he needs me to take a step back) I got SO upset. I pretty much ran into our bedroom, where I then cried. I always feel so hurt when says I'm annoying or that he's almost done, especially when I am trying to get better. I reminded him that I have a problem, I asked him what he thinks when I look through his phone or something. He told me he thinks I want to find something.(I don't whatsoever.) He also told me its pushing him away. I honestly didn't know that. I mean I knew he was mad and I knew he hated it, but hearing from him, that I am pushing him away, ugh. I just couldn't bear it anymore. I cried and cried. We both have things we need to work, but its mostly my "issues" that start our arguments, and I know that(all too much). I hear it often. I cry about it always. I can't tell you how much I want to be different. I know there isn't a "normal" but I don't want to be "me". I guess just my brain. If I could have a brain transplant, please?
We pretty much got it taken care of and our day just got better from there. I looked up more ideas for toddlers online, its pretty hard to do most of the things when almost all of our stuff is packed and we have not spare money to buy anything. But I read that a mom poured uncooked rice in a bowl and let her little girl go to town. We didn't have any rice, but I found some bread crumbs that worked just fine. I put them in a bowl, gave Kash his trucks, a few spoons and some blocks. I showed him that he could play in it, drive his trucks in it and just do whatever. I'm pretty sure he played for almost an hour.
I got out his color wonder finger paint thing and let him do a few pictures. We had lunch and put him down for a nap. After about an hour(and he still wasn't asleep) we went to walmart. We both had 20$ of birthday money. Tyler got roller coaster tycoon, and I got the book "fallout"(a sequel to a book I loved). When we came home I put Kash back down, he fell asleep and Tyler and I got to play/read.
It was a very relaxing day. And we were all relatively happy. By the end of the night we filed our taxes(with the help of my WONDERFUL daddy) and found out we are getting more than we expected back.(yay for paying off debt!)
Today I am happy that I have such a wonderful husband, that loves me even when I have depression/anxiety. I am so happy that I have a happy,funny,crazy,wild little boy that teaches me so many things every day.
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