Bad dreams and dwelling

Day Twenty One



I seem to be having bad dreams a lot more than usual. They all include Tyler leaving me, cheating on me or just being mean to me. Last night it was him cheating on me. In the dreams he's usually laughing or just not caring at all, while I am screaming "I hate you" and crying. Then in my dream I had told him about having a bad dream and he told me "I hate hearing about these stupid dreams."

Now with the day I had yesterday, this dream did not help me. My brain takes me places I do NOT want to be.

I am seriously obsessed. I am always thinking he's going to leave,cheat,etc. I cannot get over it. I check his phone constantly, I smell his clothes, I ask a million questions. I don't know why it is so bad now. It's gotten significantly worse.

I can't think of what may have triggered this. I am so annoyed with myself. I want my brain to stop.

I have therapy on Thursday, I will be getting on medication within a few weeks. I just hope I can stop all of this.

Today I just sat around, cried and slept. I didn't feel like doing anything. All I could think about was if Tyler is actually cheating. But why do I have doubt? Why don't I fully trust? Yes, he's lied, but he been faithful the WHOLE time. I just can't handle my brain any longer and not knowing why its gotten much worse makes me more unhappy.

Tyler was so good to me today. He came home early and gave me a break from Kash. I honestly just want Tyler to hold me while I cry, maybe later? Kash was a good boy today, everything was fine, I was just very depressed today. I told Kash we will go to the park tomorrow and I am going to go to school. Tomorrow is another day, I can be better tomorrow.